January 1, 2022

The cold is seeping through my windows along with the brilliant sun in a pale blue sky. In the momentary quiet of the baby napping and my husband and older boys off at church, I’m thinking. A new year always slows my thoughts to deepen and expand on what I hoped for the past and what I’m dreaming of for the future. In this moment these thoughts are full of wondering what all the new seasons will hold.

Just one month ago we moved to a new state in a tiny duplex and away from a farm I loved.

My last baby is 7 months old and I won’t be breastfeeding much longer.

My husband is starting up his own business.

My oldest son needs to start school and I’m homeschooling him.

All these new beginnings and ending of seasons and I’m just adrift.

I finished the 75Hard mindset challenge at the beginning of December and again, drifting since then.

My four times postpartum body still doesn’t feel like my own again yet and I just don’t know where I fit into this world.

Ever since I gave away the first containers of the baby clothes I’d kept for the past 6 years, I’ve been holding grief and joy together it seems. This grief of ending a season, of knowing I will never carry another baby or meet a brand-new life, grown with me. But also the joy of moving into another season, one where all the kids use a potty and no one has a 6 pm bedtime or needs a nap. I know some women are in this season for so much longer than 6 years and others long desperately to be here, I get that, I just feel this stepping into another unknown, just when I thought I finally had this figured out.

What does my world look like when I don’t get up multiple times a night and no baby sleeps in my room? What does it feel like when all the boys are walking and running and I’m no longer carrying a child everywhere we go, when we’ve moved beyond 5 point harness buckles to booster seats and seat belts and the boys can all climb out of the car on their own.

I want so desperately to control all the aspects of life and I’m drowning because I can’t. I’m positive God gave me all these sons as a reminder of His grace and my lack; a reminder to rely on Him and no one else. God knows I can’t do this.

When the noise levels reach a crescendo and the negative temperatures outside keep the boys inside our currently tiny space and I’m losing my mind because they are doing their own version of parkour off the walls and furniture because somehow the floor became lava and I just don’t have a kind word to say and the coffee stopped working hours ago, I need Jesus.

I think that’s the crux, the grounding I’m desperate for: Jesus.

I don’t need another way to control the routine in my life. I don’t need that espresso machine I’ve been eyeing or the best winter gear or another book to help me figure this out. I don’t need better gear for the boys or a perfect system to make sure we get it all done and I achieve all I’m meant to. I don’t need to write more words or sneak in more time for me. I don’t need the perfect date night and my husband to meet my needs exactly right.

I need Jesus.

And at the end of it all, when I still have no idea what this coming season looks like and I’m just moving forward because I can’t stay standing still; this is my grounding, my mooring, my solid place to land.

Jesus.